You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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