The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Alive.
So much puke
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
