i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
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Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
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Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize