I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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