the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
