he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
how does that bad decision feel?
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