How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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