I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
