did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Randomize
