I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
