I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I'm gonna fight the coyote
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
