apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
