We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
