Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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