Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
