that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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