sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
