I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
She told me I should be a condom model.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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