I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
