Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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