Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
