Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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