put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Randomize
