I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize