I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.