I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.