Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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