Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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