There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
