she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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