if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
