Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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