so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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