Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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