all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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