R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
you never un-have a 4some
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
