It's Friday. Sex?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
