My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
