I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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