it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
