i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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