I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
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