the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
