Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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