Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
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Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
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