Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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