I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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