from now on my penis is your penis
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
