we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
