miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
