I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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