Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
