The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
