New invention idea: vibrating tampons
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize