Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Randomize
