Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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